* echolocation*

What is Yoda’s preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland
Well the flag is a big plus
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers
So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
What is a Math Teacher’s favorite superhero?
FOUR, GOD OF NUMBERS!
My friend just emailed me a compressed nsfw video
sigh… unzips
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank
I have no words to describe how angry I am
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.
My wife got mad just because I hoovered up her contact lenses
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?” “She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
The cop teared up a little as she wrote out my ticket.
I guess it was a moving violation.
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.