He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
Because they lactose.
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.
I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”
As long as you're poor
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
They are immediately disqualified.
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
They deserve a no bell prize
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
His next poop could spell disaster.
2B or not 2B
He’s not looking so good.
A four-chin teller!
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
It was the least I could do.
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
He started dancing and said, "Never gonna give you 'Up'."