When I became a teenager, my father gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on the dangers of having unprotected sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
Because the trees can speak for themselves
So he isn’t spotted
I had to draw my own conclusions.
I left my brownies in the oven too long
If only they could see me now!
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
and on the other, your left.
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
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She’s a mathemachicken
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
He really put his foot in his mouth.
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Mistake. (My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
A dart board on a ceiling.
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?" The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, and you may pass through the gate." The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled with one…" st Peter replies "alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?" The girl replies "if I'm going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"