Eheheheh
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
I’m not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, it’s buttered. But on the downside, it’s not.
A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively “You’ve got great hair!” The man looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.
A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from. When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on. The bartender said "Oh, it's the nuts–they're complimentary."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.
Today I had my appointment with my psychiatrist
He thinks that I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.
I wasn’t going to get a brain transplant….
But then I changed my mind!
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house..
A couple wants to have sex but their 8 year old son named Timmy is in the house. To get him out of the house, they give him and ice pop and they tell him to sit on the front porch and shout out everything that he sees while they try to pull a quickie. Timmy starts to point everything out. “Mailman stopped by.” Timmy says. “The Andersons are getting new furniture” he calls out. “Jacob got a new bike” “Oh look. Kevin’s parents are having sex.” Timmy says. The dad shouts out from the bedroom, “how do you know they’re having sex?” Timmy replies “he’s sitting out on the front porch with a popsicle.”
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He's disqualified
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
My cousin is mute and likes to communicate via embroidery
I guess it's a version of sign language, sew to speak
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
My American friend, Alfred, asked, “What is your favourite shampoo truck?”
I said ,"Lorry, Al."
An English man, a French man, a Cuban Man and an Indian man are in a train carriage.
The French man takes out a bottle of very expensive wine, has one sip, and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the French man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later the Cuban man takes out a very fancy cigar, has one puff and throws it out the window. The English man says "why did you do that? " and the Cuban man replies, "we have so many of these in my country they are practically worthless. A few minutes later, the English man throws the Indian man out the window.
A little girl goes into a pet shop and says ‘One wabbit pwease’
"Aww" says the shopkeeper "would you like the little brown bunny, the fuzzy white bunny, or this cute spotted fella here?" "I don't fink my pwython gives a fuck" the girl replies.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister go to a blood drive
The rabbit says “I’m pretty sure I’m a type-o”
Wife asks her husband “Am I the only one you’ve ever been with?”
The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" — to which his wife embraces him comfortably …the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!" Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".