Ehh it’s still a science meme, right?
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
Why was Yoda afraid of seven?
Because six, seven eight.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
An owl babysat my son so I could go to the hoedown.
It was a hootin' nanny.
If you’re going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate…
By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights. That's all!
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
https://ift.tt/36LFRWr
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… “Donald , duck!”
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
A man walks into a bar…
The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please
A son walks in on his parents having sex NSFW
The parents see the boy and he runs off to his room. The mother puts on her robe and goes into the boys room The boy ask his mother what she was doing. “You know how daddy has a big stomach? Sometimes mummy has to get on top of daddy and flatten it.” “You’re wasting your time” says the boy. The mother confused asks “what do you mean?” “Well when you go to the supermarket the woman next door comes over and blows him back up.”
A Doctor can’t find a job in a Hospital,
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside. 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"
I like telling Dad jokes
Sometimes, he laughs!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
To see a chicken strip.
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
It’s currently half empty
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
“I have a split personality”
Said Tom, being frank
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper : [On phone] we have your son. Wife : Actually, I'm holding my son. Kidnapper : [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&Js?! Wife : oh god. Kidnapper : what? Wife : you have my husband.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.