Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.
Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds.
Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?”
The man doesn't say a word. He reaches into his pocket, and pulls out $5. He then asks Einstein, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, but comes down on 4?”
Einstein thinks about it for a long time, but fails to answer the question. After almost an hour, he gives the man $500.
An irritated Einstein then asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill on 3 legs and comes down on 4?”.
The man reaches into his pocket and gives Einstein $5.
I was laughing but then I remembered I don’t have health insurance.
What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face.
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"
That dog looks traumatized
Anti, anti corruption
I like my women how I like my Coronavirus
19 and easy to spread
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
I hate my frickin wife
What did E.T.’s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Think of it as voting for Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s replacement if you need to
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
What could go wrong?
Apple really is the most futuristic company out there
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
The secret is stackoverflow
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
What are smart people called in America?
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It was just lowercase.
A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.
He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him. Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can’t just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk. “It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,” noted the man. “Why do you do it?” The monk replied, “Religious reasons.” The man then says, “I don’t know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?” “Because,” the monk replied, “you would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
Sums up almost all programmers on Instagram
They showing her a clip of how she is when she’s crying.
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me
it means a lot.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
When you use a new library before reading the documentation
I took my dog to the lake to day and noticed he floats very well
He’s a good buoy
Team no sleep
What’s the opposite of urine?
That’s a point
What’s one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.
My wife said that this subreddit was full of stupid, unfunny puns…
But this post I made a couple hours ago says otherwise
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
Question: “What do people usually do first when they wake up?”
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest…
…when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!" The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. They run until the get to an open field and come across a deer doing lines of coke. So the rabbit again says, "Deer my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel sooooooo good!" The deer looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and skunk. The three animals then come across a bear, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up. "Bear my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel more alive then ever!" The bear looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls and eats the little rabbit friend. The skunk and deer watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Bear, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you." The bear answers, "That little assclown! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"
Trump walks into a bar
and lowers it
You can’t tell me what to do
Whatever floats your boat
My Dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school;
Maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
How do tree nuts usually end their prayers?
They said "Almond."
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
Precautions for Coronavirus
Egyptian boomer humor (translation In comments)
A.I. generated meme about quantum mechanics and quantum computers
I can relate..
Got to my head during lecture on States of matter!!
My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%…
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
The only thing that remains constant.
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
wait a second…
Wife AND wifi bad
And poof, she’s gone
Did my first Uber shift last night till 5am and I forgot to charge each customer.
All that work and nothing to chauffeur it
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
Just when I thought I’d seen all the dumbest shit…
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
Found this on the escalator of a local mall
this pussy coxblocked me
The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.
He's calling it "That's what Xi said"
Why is it raining?
Where do dead cows get buried?
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
I complained to my wife about our sexless marriage
Zero fucks were given.