Deep beneath the ocean there is an exclusive club known for only having the coolest of clams in their midst. This was called the Cool Clam Club. Now, the Cool Clam Club was known across the seven seas as one of the most prestigious clubs known to seakind due to the fact that their initiation was quite possibly the most dangerous stunt you could pull; however, if you passed, you got a really sharp looking leather jacket with a clam patch on the back. Everyone wanted to be in the Cool Clam Club. Three clams decided they would try their shell at joining the Cool Clam Club. Their names were Justin, Travis, and Griffin. They all knew the initiation was difficult, but they've been watching from the sidelines for far too long. What is this tough initiation you may ask? Every day at around sunfall the tide would rise. The rising tide would cause the old wooden dock to rise up for a few moments, then come crashing down back into the shore. To join the Cool Clam Club, a clam must take a running start, slide under one of the large wooden legs of the dock, and come out the other side unscathed. "Simple," thought all three clams. They had seen this initiation many times before, they knew the techniques and the wet and wild stunts. The Justin clam went first. He observed the rising and falling of the post. He took a deep swig of water. He towards his destiny. WOOSH! The Cool Clam Club received the Justin clam with open arms. He passed initiation and the leather jacket was his! Surely, he must be the coolest clam in town! Travis clam, upon seeing his fellow clam claim the jacket, was happy. But he knew that he was next. The dock rose, it fell, it rose… WOOSH! The Travis clam had made it! He hugged the Justin clam, cheers erupted around him, and the jacket was his. Griffin looked at the two other clams on the other side of that large wooden post. He was getting nervous. His tiny stomach began to hurt out of nervousness. Alas! If Justin and Travis had made it through, surely he could make it as well! The Griffin clam backed up to get a head start. He looked at the dock, nervous still. The Cool Clam Club looked on with interest at this. They all clenched the lapels of their cool leather jackets, for they all wanted the littlest clam to join their ranks. The Griffin clam looked at the dock. The large wooden pillar rose. It fell. It rose… SPLAT! The post fell upon the Griffin clam and the littlest clam was no more. Now, my friends, you may be wondering what killed the Griffin clam. The other two clams had made it through without a scratch, so then, why did the Griffin clam fail? Pier pressure. Edit: formatting
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
I’m gonna put my glasses on
To get to the other side!
Then he said he wanted a tricycle, so I got him one. Then, a few weeks later, he said he wanted a poster of Will Smith's face, so I got him one. The next day he said he wanted a coffee machine. I was getting irate now. But hey, I thought, if I get him this hopefully that will be the end. I was wrong. So very wrong. On the same day he said he wanted a caterpillar costume. Reluctantly, I got him one. Secondhand. Then he said he wanted something for a friend, a new pair of underwear. I had no idea why he would be giving his friend underwear, and I knew he only wanted them for himself. But hey, I thought, I don't want him to defecate on his clothes, so I got him some. After that, he approached me, and I was on the verge of an outburst. What do you want this time? I asked him. A sword? A sandwich? A three-headed dog? He said, no, he didn't want any of those things. Except the three-headed dog and the sword and the sandwich. Look, I said, get on with it. What are you after this time? He said he wanted a book on festival puns. I was sick out of it. Sick of his audacity and my empty wallet. I headed for the door to get away, but he grabbed my arm and asked me what was wrong. I said, Son, you carnival the things you want.
Because he was in the living room.
You have my Word.
My response was "Of course, it's a house made of steaks. Except the floor of course. That's made of ground beef." Heard the wife's eyes roll from across the room.
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
Because they once had a fight and 71
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
It's not stroganoff
After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that. "No sir" says the head canibal. "OK" says the boss and leaves them be. "Alright" says the head canibal when the boss has left "Who did it?!" "I did!" one of them admits. "You idiot! We've been having fifty different types of manager in the past six months and nobody batted an eye! You had to eat the one person in this office that actually gets any work done!"
Because it gets smaller after every mistake I make.
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.
They grab a table and sit down, so the bra says it'll get the first round. It goes up to the bartender and says "3 beers please mate" Bartender replies "no way, you're off your tits and your mates are going to start something"
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
it was very time consuming
A father in law
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
… condensed milk.
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
They both barely cover the asshole
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.