Electile Dysfunction
Why hasn’t Barbie ever gotten pregnant?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
Why will Congress never impeach Trump?
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.
"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
I was attacked by 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were against me
I met an Australian guy who works in IT.
I asked, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
Why Americans don’t use metric?
Foot fetish
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
Why can’t Harry Potter differentiate between his best friend and a cooking pot
They're both cauldron
Nowadays It is more important to see the Manufacturer country than Expire Date.
https://ift.tt/314GiIy
What type of doctor works after hours?
An On-Call-ogist
I was applying for an Australian citizenship
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.
Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!
My wife told me to stop singing “I’m a believer” or she’d kill me. I thought she was joking…
…and then I saw her face…
A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.
Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son was in there. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball." "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "That's my dad outside." "How much did you say the baseball was again?" "$250." The man reluctantly paid the boy, and after waiting for an hour, finally managed to sneak out of the house unseen. A few weeks later, it happens again. "Dark in here," the boy says. "Yes, it is," the man replies. "I have a baseball glove." "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" "No, thanks." "I think I just remembered something I needed to tell my dad." "How much did you say the glove was again?" "$750." "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" "I can't. I sold them," the boy replies. "Really? How much did you sell them for?" "$1,000." "It's terrible to over-charge your friends like that! That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. "Dark in here," the boy says. The priest growls. "Don't start that shit again."
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNDDDD EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said
Are they all they were cracked up to be?
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
Who ever invented the knock knock joke
Should get a no bell prize
Last week at the zoo, I saw a baguette in a cage.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.