election logic
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
When I ever get to be a dad, I wanna start early.
If I would get to be the dad of a son, I'd name him Jason so on the moment of his birth I can get up and shout: "Jesus Christ, it's Jason, born!"
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
![[REDACTED] is a common killer of scp memes](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wgqrlb1y9yp41-1-400x476.jpg)
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar. The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad! The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices on me and threw me in a jar! The penis glaired at both of them and said, you assholes think you have it bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy someone puts a rubber trap over my head, sticks me in a dark room and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!
My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
My husband asked why I never blink during sex.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife
She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts! Women, I can't figure them out.
What do you call an erection at a funeral?
Mourning Wood
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
My favorite sex position is “WOW”…
it's where I flip your MOM over
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day? Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man: And the black one? Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them? Farmer: Which one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: She eats grass. Man: And the black one? Farmer: She eats grass, too. Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same? Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine. Man: Oh, and the black one? Farmer: It’s mine, too.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, “Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.” The father says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say our son-in-law.”
An airplane is about to crash!
With only 5 parachutes on board. A Doctor says, “save the women”. A young mother says, “no save the children”. A lawyer says, “Fuck the children”. A priest asks, “do we have time”?
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
