Electronegative lil bitch
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.
Knock knock
Who's there? To. To who? (Shakes head) To whom.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup…
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
Funny how things are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still have jobs
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
TIL that before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok…then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
I like my women like I like my slaves
Educated and free.
My doctor said I only have 5 more days to live…
So I killed him and the Judge gave me 40 years!!
Why is it hard to wake up in Athens?
Dawn is tough on Greece.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
What are you drinking there?
I dunno water you drinking?
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh!
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: ‘You’ll never guess with how many women I’ve slept!’
'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'
I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens
Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
My grandpa always said, “Always try to be the fish going against the current.”
Good man. Got electrocuted every day though.
When a senior dev couldn’t solve your problem so you two call another senior to help
https://ift.tt/2xJMN9H
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back…
The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
My friend told me she doesn’t like Roman Numerals because you can’t make puns from them.
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
A lot of conflict in the Wild West….
….could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands