Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
Two blondes went out deer hunting…
…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier." So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground." "Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."
Bricks are the happiest construction materials.
They're always getting laid.
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying
My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?” I replied “Don’t you start too”
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
A police officer pulls a man for speeding
Po: Sir im gonna have to write a ticket but i will give you a chance by answering a trivia question. Guy: Lets do this Po: There are two headlights coming from the end of the street. What is it? Guy: Its a car!! Po: Sure but is it a kia, is it a mazda? That was wrong but ill give you one more chance. There is one headlight coming down the street. What is it. Guy: Its a motorbike !!! Po: Sure but is it bmw , is it suzuki? Sorry man im gonna have to proceed with the ticket Guy: Hey give me one last chance. Ill ask you an easy trivia question and if you get it right go ahead and finish the ticket Po: Ok go Guy: Theres a lady at the corner of the street very late at night. She is wearing a mini skirt and a very tight blouse while waving and talking to men in cars. What is she? Po: She is a whore dude… Guy: Sure but is it your wife, is it your sister?
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Went to the store to get eight cans of sprite…
When I got home, I realized I’d only picked seven up.
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
Two antennas on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn’t much..
But the reception was incredible!
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.
They eventually would.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
My interviewer asked if I could preform under pressure.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
Why did the competitive fish eater sustain liver damage?
A: she would never accede a minnow fan! @SwiftOnSecurity
If Jesus was real, they wouldn’t call it the crucifixion…
They would call it the crucifact.
Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator
I was wrong on many levels
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me