Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I failed my fire safety course when I was asked what steps I would take in case there was an explosion.
“Really large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
Did you hear about the guy who got the hand transplant?
He's feeling much better now
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one. Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
How come you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you…
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.
Happy New Year 2016 everyone.
A bunch of electricians threw a party
It was lit
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot
Then why did the plane crash?
Y’all might think that old people are boring
But you have to admit, their chairs are rockin'
If you ever find yourself at -273.15 Celsius,
just remember that you will still be 0K.
What’s big, gray, and makes you jump?
The elephant of surprise.
A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said. "You did what?!" the teacher shrieked. "You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, “What did you think of me when you first met me?”
The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."
![[OC] u/vaaliera Ahaha phone bad](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/l6trm5rq9ni41-400x663.jpg)
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful
The first brother is the strongest. "Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that mansion over there?" "Yeah?" "Well, I went over there and sucked each and every last family member dry. They are all dead." "Wow!" his brothers say. "As expected, for you are the strongest." The second brother to go is the oldest. "Watch and learn, boys," he says, and takes off even quicker, at 150 miles per hour. Five minutes later, he returns, both his mouth and his neck covered in blood. "What happened?!" His brothers exclaimed. "You see that village over there?" "Yeah?" They said. "Well I went over there and killed every last person in the entire village. There is not one left alive." "Wow!" his brothers say in awe. "As expected, for you are the oldest and have the most experience." The third brother is the fastest. Not to be outdone, he says "Watch this, and don't blink or you might miss it." He flies off, faster than the rest of them, going at least 200mph. In only ten seconds, he returns. His entire mouth, nose, and neck are covered in so much blood, it stains the front of his shirt. "What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed. "You see that giant tree over there?" "…Yeah?" "Well I sure fuckin' didn't."
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
