Elects “non-politician,” starts a war.
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
Why did the can crusher quit his job ?
Because it was soda pressing
My 11yo daughter just made up a joke. What do politicians thing of themselves?
That they're politicool… Im biased but i think its genius
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
A Nike shoe factory burned down 🔥
1000 soles were lost.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big Mcsteak
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
A young Irish girl goes to confession…
…and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.” “Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next mornin’. But, I know that makin’ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and I’ve come seekin’ absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, “Right. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. O’Malley’s market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.” The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, “ Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?” “NO, but it’ll wipe the smile off yer face!”
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
I sent this to my mom and she really liked it. Thanks boomer comic artists :)
https://ift.tt/2MOn701
I have a scary joke to tell you about maths
But I’m 2² to tell it!
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
My roommate snapped a pic of me during my office’s virtual March Birthday Party…
https://ift.tt/2UhY4oD