Elephants Gerald
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test…..we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car………
I am reading a horror story in braille.
Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it…
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Why did the blind guy fall down the well?
He couldn’t see that well.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.
"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold." The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view." The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two." "That's fine," the man replies. "For my second wish, I'd like to have $20 million." "Granted, but your mother-in-law will have $40 million." The man nods. "And your final wish?" the genie asks. "For my final wish," the man begins, "I want you to scare me half to death."
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
I saw two guys walking around in same outfit with their dog, so I ask them if they were gay.
Those faggots arrested me.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
I know every single digit of pi.
I just don’t know the order of them
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
2 fish in a tank. One says to the other,
How do you drive this thing
Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.
I had a cracker for lunch.
First square meal I've had in days.
