Elephants Gerald
Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
No text found
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
Bigger in Texas
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!” “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
After you die, what’s the last part of your body that stops working?
Your Pupils. They dilate.
I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “Username-valid ” Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
When I became a teenager, my father gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on the dangers of having unprotected sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Last night I dreamt that I was weightless
I was like “0mg”
As my wife was preparing dinner, I said to her, “That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.”
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
My math teacher called me average
How mean is that ?
Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
A redneck wrestler
has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down. "Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can beat him." "Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "One more thing," says the coach. "He's got this hold called the Pretzel Hold that no one has ever escaped from. Whatever happens, don't let him get you in the Pretzel Hold cause then it's all over." "Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "Stay out of the Pretzel Hold." The match starts and in five seconds the redneck is in the Pretzel Hold. A groan goes up from the American spectators and the coach buries his face in his hands, unable to watch. Suddenly, there's a tremendous yell and a thump from the mat and the crowd bursts into cheers and applause. The coach looks up and sees the Russian out cold on the mat and the redneck standing over him. Before he can get up into the ring the crowd rushes in and hoists the redneck into the air, celebrating his victory. Half an hour later, the coach and the redneck are alone and able to talk. "What happened out there?" asks the coach. "I mean, one second you're in the hold, and next thing I know, you've won. How?" "Well," says the redneck, "I don't know how he got me in the hold so fast, but once I was in it, I was pretty much unable to move anything but my head. So, I looked up, and there was a pair of testicles dangling right in front of my face. So, I did the only thing I could do. I craned my neck forward and bit fown." "Ah, so that's how you beat him?" said the coach. "Not exactly," said the wrestler. "You'd be surprised how much strength you have when you've just bitten down on your own testicles."
I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.
Stolen, but proves that Boomers have become self aware, their humour knows no bounds…
https://ift.tt/3e90SO3
Why do mountains never get cold?
Because they have snow-caps!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but it has no atmosphere
Why do dentists have so many trophies?
Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower. Crap, it’s early.)
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
Husband: I don’t like three things about you. Wife: What things?
Husband: Your chin.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Post Alone
What is the difference between soon-to-be parents that want a girl and liquid that’s been used to clean plates?
One's dishwater… The other's wish daughter
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."