Elephants have been defamed and maligned with this disgraceful association for far too long
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, girl ant and if it floats, buoyant
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door.
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
Two Gay men are on a long overnight flight.
One gay man says to the other "Hey you want to join the mile high club right here?" The other gay man replied "Here? We will get caught!" The first man smiles and says "Relax everyone is asleep. Watch" he then stands up and says "Does anyone have a pencil?" To which he recieves no response. This is enough for the other gay man who stands up and gets behind the man at which point they have sex. A few hours later a flight attendant walking down the down the aisle see an old man who has thrown up all over himself. She asks the man "Sir why didn't you ask for a vomit bag?" To which the old man replied "Well the last guy asked for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass"
My family treats me as though I’m a god…
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
A bad workman blames his fools..
EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I always get confused between bowling and baseball…
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
Where do DJs get their information?
The wiki wiki
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
A man is driving down a country road
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
I was going to give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
Its called inflation.
cries in toshiba hdd
Hey babe are you a mechanical hard drive because you have an average response time of 2 years.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
My Cocaine Is So White
Police Let It Go With A Warning
Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”
*Dad hands Son a phone* Dad: "Ok, now just call someone." Son: "Why can't you do it?" Dad: "Because that would be a daddial."
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
My friend told me a coronavirus joke…
…but I still haven’t gotten it.