Elevators terrify me
I'm taking steps to avoid them
I asked a train engineer how many times he’s derailed the train.
He looked at me and said "I honestly don't know… It's hard to keep track".
What did you get for Christmas?
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
That laughing emoji though
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a…moving violation.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
Wash Them Good
Two women go on a night out…
Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst, hey Margaret! How are you going to, you know, wipe your butt?" Margaret tells her "I'm going to use my underwear and toss them away after, they're my cheap ones so I don't care!" Mary has a think about it, but she is wearing her best Victoria's Secret panties and doesn't really want to throw them away, so after a lot of debate she very regrettably decides to wipe herself with a wreath from a nearby grave, and then the two continue home. The following day, their husbands are sitting in the bar. One tells the other "hey bud, I don't think we should let our wives go out together any more. Margaret came home last night with no panties on" The other tells him "you think that's bad!? My wife came home with a card in her ass saying 'from all the boys at the the station, we're going to miss you'! "
What do you call fake potatoes?
I didn’t know you were supposed to articulate your thought process…
Is there a wholesome boomer humour subreddit?
My friend made this, and it needs to be appreciated…
Every room’s gotta have door,
and that's where I come in.
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
Socialism Vs Messiah!
You Redditors hopping on the states of matter bandwagon?
A subpoena is a subpoena.
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink …..
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
Oh duck oh duck oh duck!
Ok dear (wife bad)
Titles are actually hard
They just don’t get us real Americans
If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it “Auto-Correct”.
Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines…
I guess you could call him multifaceted!
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
Who likes penetration testing?
On Monday morning, the teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed…
someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. Tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked around in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “That’s enough,” she sputtered. “I — I can’t believe this! Monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behavior!” On Monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “Don’t you know — the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
History repeats; first as tragedy, then as farce
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
This is just murder
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro." "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver. "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons" "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking tha law." The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!" "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno"
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
Grandpa always keeps conversations fun.
A friend of mine said…
…that he had made the world’s flattest, blandest dough. To that I responded, “Prove it then!”
windows make it again
No doubt in my mind …
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
*english starts speaking latin*
Size doesn’t matter
I need a Reddit title generator for this one
My friend said she didn’t understand how cloning worked
"That makes two of us"
Gotta do it compulsively
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
Ah yes, enslaved carbon
My Hispanic buddy likes Little Caesars.
He uses them to trim his mustache.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
You Bout to lose yo job
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
How to catch a Dorobō
I should’ve known my brother’s new girlfriend is deaf.
The signs were there.
I don’t even know.
What’s the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas ?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
It’s a Vax22
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner
(OC) This is our new reality… DFW airport
TIL why nurses always carry red crayons…
It's in case they have to draw blood…