elfish presley
A Cable repairman was on my street today and he asked me what time it was.
I replied "It is between 1 and 8 pm."
What did the bee say to the daffodil? 🌼
Hey bud, when do you open? 😆
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A woman said to her husband “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box.
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
I flagged a gangbang video on Pornhub for racist content.
Just because a bunch of black dudes are in the same room with each other doesn't make it a gang.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “One whiskey and ………………. one coke.
"Why the big pause?" – says the bartender. "I don't know. I was born with them" – says the bear.
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. " The blonde look around and says " Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes…"
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together. Man I sure am lucky !
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
Ok calm down there all hyper intelligent videogame ass
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”
Apparently “I’m sorry” and “My bad” are same thing
unless you're at a funeral [Demetri martin]
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired
When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Why is Kim Jong-Un so chubby?
Because he never had to run for his office
The first 10 incarnations of Winnie the Pooh were so cute.
XI is just a fucking asshole.
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Bear with me here…
… what should I feed it?
My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+
It's always hard to act surprised
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.