Ellen is becoming a boomer
When a senior dev couldn’t solve your problem so you two call another senior to help
https://ift.tt/2xJMN9H
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
What did Trump say when he picked up the cheese shredder?
"With this, I will make America grate again."
Why can’t dyslexic people tell jokes?
They always punch up the fuck line.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
I went to a restaurant…
It was full; no place to sit… I took out my mobile, placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro, come fast, she's here with someone else". Six couples ran away..
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
What is a horse’s favorite kind of wine ?
Caberneigh…
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: ‘handjob – $15’.
The girl asks: 'Can I help? 'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?' The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!' The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
What do cops say when they have sex?
Stop resisting!
Why do the french only use one egg when baking a cake?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!