Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
So I’m giving up drinking for the next month straight.
Sorry, that came out wrong. Ahem. So, I’m giving up. Drinking for the next month straight.
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
Whenever I’m asked “What happened in 1492?”, people are always surprised by my answer.
Nobody expects "The Spanish Inquisition".
What do you call somebody with no body, And No Nose?
No-body-Nose
How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.
finally it dawned on me.
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
Damn you, autocorrect
Damn you to he’ll
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
Ba-dumm-tsss
![[Not my meme] But do you know the answer?](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/hhoyujk4rz541-400x336.jpg)
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
I told a girl she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!
Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to ……..yes, you guessed it …..pull myself together
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
Taking things literally
is stealing.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?
A re-seeding airline…
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
What makes gays and lawyers happy?
New mandates
Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.
God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?" "Yes Sir" Peter replied. With that God left and Peter called the first soul forward. "New rule mate. You have to tell me what your last day on Earth was like." Soul 1 says "Well it was not good i tell ya. I had long suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So i decided that i would leave work early to go back to my appartment on the 20th floor and catch her. When i got in the house i found my wife alone naked in bed, surprised to see me. So i start searching the house and couldnt find anyone. I was about to give up when i saw some finger tips on my balcony and sure enogh there was a man hanging there. So with out so much as a houd ya do i stomped on his fingers and down he went. Unfortunately he survived because some trees broke his fall so i grabed the closest heavy thing i saw, which happened to be my fridge, and threw it off the balcony. BAM got him dead on. I laughed so hard i had a heart attack and died." Peter though 'well he died laughing but he did find his wife cheating so i guess it was bad' so he let him through. Before he could consider the fact that he had just let a murderer into heaven another soul came forward. "Wait a minute mate. New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 2 said "It wasnt good sir. I was practicing yoga on my 21st floor balcony when i suddenly sliped over the balcony. Luckily i caught hold of the balcony below mine. Then, out of nowhere, this phyco comes storming out and stamps on my fingers. I fell but lived and as i was recuperating from my trauma i look up to see a fridge falling on me. Then i died" Peter at this point is laughing his arse off but waves soul 2 through. He then calls "Next!!" and soul 3 comes forward. Peter says "New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 3 says "Well picture this. Im naked in a fridge…"
One of my coworkers told me that my dad jokes are bad.
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
