Elon Musk Announces Odd location for New Tesla Factory in the Country of……..
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
It really means a lot to them.
Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna” I don’t even know where that is!
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a president under constant federal investigation from day one. Turned out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I have been stuck for years with a president under federal investigation from day one.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence
But the judge didn't see it that way.
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
…but I guess I can give it the ol' collage try.
there would be mass confusion.
No one:Employee to tech support: “My computer is pretty slow”The computer:https://ift.tt/2SrlG9N
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place. (Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)
“You’re much bigger than that.”
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
He said only thyme would tell.
They are okay by themselves, but get horribly racist when 3 of them get together.
They'll kill your dog.
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
Because they know how to book it.
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do? Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…