Elon r u ok ?
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
Why do females make the best archaeologists?
Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.
We’re bringing back Memeless Mondays!
A few months ago, we tried out a concept known as “Memeless Mondays”, where, you guessed it, (most) memes are prohibited every Monday. Specifically:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found with a quick Google search for keywords, or isn’t an edit of an easily googlable template, you’re probably okay.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Response to this was generally very positive, and allowed higher quality content to shine once a week. The only reason for its abandonment was lack of available moderation – we have that now, so it’s coming back!It’s been a while, so if you have any concerns or suggestions regarding MM, leave them below. Otherwise, see you Monday.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, she asked me if I win often
I said no, the cars are much faster
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
You add Spring water.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
I taught a wolf to meditate
He’s now Aware Wolf
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”
The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.” With a bang, she’s gone. The second says: “I want to be Madonna.” She also disappears immediately. The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.” St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini,” replies the old spinster. St Peter shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.” The old woman then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: “No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
My wife said she’s only interested in having sex if I dress like The Fonz.
She's ayyyyy sexual.
There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice
And that’s Chris Brown
If life gives you melons
Your probably dyslexic.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.