Elon r u ok ?
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
I just flew in from Chernobyl
And boy are my arms legs
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men
We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing
A woman walks into the farmer’s market and says,
“I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of tomatoes, and won’t have any for a few days.” So the woman leaves. A few hours later, the same woman shows up and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes.” The clerk says, “I apologize miss, but we’ll be out of tomatoes for the next few days. Actually, weren’t you in earlier today also? How about you give me your number and we’ll call when our shipment comes in.” So she gives him the number and leaves again. Just before the market is getting ready to close, the same woman comes in again and says, “I’d like to buy some tomatoes” The clerk, exasperated, pulls the woman aside and asks her, “Lady, what would you get if you took the sun out of a sunflower? The woman, sort of confused thinks and then replies, “well, I guess you’d have just a flower.” He says, “Great. Now, what would you get if you took the orange out of orange juice?” The woman, proud of herself responds, “you’d have only juice.” “Okay, good job. Now, what do you get if you take the fuck out of tomatoes?” Perplexed, she finally responds, “wait a minute, there’s no fuck in tomatoes.” He yells in her face, “That’s right, there’s no fuckin’ tomatoes!!!”
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were so many red flags.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vapour Rub crashed on the freeway today.
There was no congestion for 8 hours.
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
Did you know that you can’t run through a campground?
You can only ran through a campground, because it's past tents.
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
Where do dead cows get buried?
Cattlecombs
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
I was once attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What’s the 9 letters of the pirate alphabet? (CORNY ALERT)
R, I, and the seven c’s (Say aloud) XD this made me laugh, hope it brightens your day
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi show of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it is Dr. Whom.
