Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
What did Santa say when he caught an elf stealing toys?
don't be elfish!
At the desk of the dermatologist I work with
This meme is made by segfault gang
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
Right wing hypocrisy summarized
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot.
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?
I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”
But spines are so inconvenient!
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Adding insult to injury (credit in comments)
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
So my dad just sent me this
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It’s gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Adults and emojis
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?
You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.
Shared from suicidebywords
If you know who this hero is, you are a true scientist 😎
My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach…
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
This was on my family group chat
Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex.
“Timmy! Close your eyes and leave!” Timmy’s mom yelled. “But… what were you doing?” Timmy asks. “Well, your father has big beer belly, so I was jumping up and down on him to flatten him out!” The mother responds, nervous. “Well, there’s no use in that.” “Well, why not?” “Because when you’re out shopping, the lady next door comes in and blows him back up!”
prepare your stimulus
What do you call a rude grape?
A husband and wife were having dinner…
…at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?" The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress." The wife angrily says, "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce." He replies, "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari's in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband tells her, "That's his mistress." The wife says, "Well, ours is prettier."…
Idk what to put for title
Who will take the second shot of this billiards game?
Find out after the break!
It would be glorious!
[NSFW] Posted by an actual boomer on my facebook
Stay at home everyone
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
After completing one year at the company, I told my boss that I wanted a hike.
So he told me to visit Nepal and do the Annapurna Circuit Trek.
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Should we tell ?
while (guy) guy = guy.knownGuy;
Math is hard
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Old school programmer
This “official notice” I mailed to my hoarder mother (x post from r/pics)
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Pro-life my ass
The Daily life of a conservative
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
The truth can hurt
Wife offered me water, I asked for something harder
She gave me ice
99% of Opinion Pieces
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
Holy crap you’ve cheated on me?
Time to migrate
Staying home is easy…
Gotta love the conservative mindset
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
It is teddy bear.