Employee? Yes… that is what they used to call me.
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
[Long] Two men are walking across a field, when they come across a very large hole in the ground. So large that they can’t see the bottom of this hole. “I wonder how deep it is.”, the first man says. The second man pulls out a coin, and flips it into hole. They wait and listen….
….nothing. "Wow!", they both exclaim. "Let's try something else.", says one man to the other. They spot a large rock nearby, and with a struggle, they get the rock to the hole. They roll it in, wait and listen….still nothing. " My goodness! How deep this hole must be!", says one man. " Let's try that huge log over there.", says the other. Again, with a struggle, they haul this huge log to the hole, and roll it in. As they wait and listen, and seemingly out of nowhere, a goat runs up and jumps in the hole. As they both look at each other in shock, they hear a tractor coming across the field. Shortly, a farmer arrives, and asks, " Either of you boys seen my goat?". "Yeah!", they both exclaim. "One just came by and jumped in this hole!" The farmer sits back and tells them," No, no. Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a huge log."
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist
A lip reader
What do you call a fat psychic
Four-chin teller
![[visible confusion]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/v42d1y0frjf41-1-400x674.png)
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened. He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole. Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”
I got gas today and it only cost $1.39!
Unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale… Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?
But most have 4
They say there is a 50/50 chance to have a female on the opposite side of the gloryhole
Right now I really hope that is a woman's penis
A wise man once said
With great power comes great electricity bills
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
I have a few jokes on unemployed people
But none of them work.
Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
What kind of drugs do ducks take?
quack cocaine
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied…"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"….. “it was then that I…. lost it”
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
To the man who invented 0
Thanks for nothing
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Dad – “Nice shirt, is that felt?”
Son – “No, it is cotton. Here,” as he reaches his arm out to me and I touch his sleeve. Dad – “It’s felt now.”
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
TIL that Tiger Woods always brings an extra sock with him to his golf tournaments.
Just in case he gets a hole in one.
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
Someone complimented me from Sweden. I said…
That’s Swede of you
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
Einstein finally developed a theory about space…
It was about time too! badoom chaaaa
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Otherwise
No text found
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
When a woman is giving birth….
She is literally kidding.
Anyway, now that she left me I can enjoy playing on my non-Euclidian pool table.
https://ift.tt/2pZnXOG
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll a joint.
He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.
LPT: If you commit 90 sins, you only get caught half the time.
sin 90 = cot 45
