Encountered this in the Facebook wilderness
From my 6yr old: Whats a guitar’s favorite cheese?
String cheese.
Why would T. Rex struggle to play the piano?
They’re extinct.
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
I asked the Wal-Mart worker where I could find the nuts.
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture….
“In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
How do you console Thanos when he’s upset?
Bruh, Just Snap out if it
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
A Harold and Kumar movie would be the purrfect project for Smudge
A Harold and Kumar movie would be the purrfect project for Smudge
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear…
is sphere itself.
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best mate.
They're both cauldron.
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
https://ift.tt/2NlQlCF
That didn’t end well
That didn’t end well
My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
They cant Elope…
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it. As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks. The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey." "But it's sinful and wicked!" "How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?" "Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is." "But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?" They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?" The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman. "Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please." The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?
Nothing, they're already stuffed…
Since I’ve installed Adblock Plus
All the girls in my area suddenly lost their interest in me.
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password
It's not stroganoff