He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Guess who came crawling back?
He calls them missle toes.
Before work, during work, and after work.
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
Would his name be stoptimus Crime?
My three year old is getting into telling jokes . I just made this one up for her: Why was Fibonacci afraid of 1 1 2 3 5? Because 1 1 2 3 5 8 13!
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Because the parrots eat 'em all.
"What are you doing?" He asked. "I'm off to New York," she replies. "I hear prostitutes get paid $400 doing what I do to you for free." The husband begins packing his bags. "What are you doing?" asked the wife. "I'm coming with you," he said. "I wanna see how you live off $800 a year."
But the times when I do, he laughs
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
Bond. James bond.
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
…but I can do it with my eyes closed.
What happened next will shock you!
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
…is the delivery.
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?" "That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"
They said: 'Thank you.' I said: 'Don't mention it.'
mine is physicsView Poll
Policeman: Whos car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
It's down to its last quarter.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
That's where I draw the line.
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
I like them alot. EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes. EDIT2: Thank you for the gold kind stranger!
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him. “No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”