Engineer 1 Designer 0
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
I gave all of my dead batteries away today,
free of charge.
Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me…
I was like: What the Hellman
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock. That's a humerus joke.
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped
Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
The light bulb comes on for a very stable genius with a good brain, probably the best brain
https://ift.tt/2vQx8UT
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop functioning?
Your pupils. They dilate.
My friend showed me his huge comic book collection…
It was quite a Marvel.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
At a restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table. Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing" the woman says and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
WIFE: [trying on new spectacles] How do I look?
ME: Through the glass bit
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar
Ahhh, those were the days.
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
Why did The Rock break up with his girlfriend?
Because she took him for granite.
“This is your captain speaking”
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?
I don't know but Alaska.
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.
How do you measure how heavy a chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
Why are people in New York always so sad?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
