ENGINEERING DEGREE FANTASY VS REALITY YAKUZA EDITION
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
I can only agree
I just formed a grunge band and named it “1023 Megabytes”
… haven't gotten a gig yet though.
What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?
The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
He had no choice
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
He truly is the most vile, hateful president ever.
People in I’m r/im14andthisisdeep said that this comic would fit in this subreddit
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
Donald trump motor boating Rudy Guliani dressed in drag.
haha fan go brrr
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t
Nine months isn’t really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
What do you call a wandering caveman?
You don’t want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor?
Fine, suit yourself.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
Donald Trump dies and goes to hell
In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bartender. Then I will return to stay here forever." The devil says "Okay, but I will change your body for the time you are there. Nobody would know or believe you are actually Donald Trump". "That's even better!" says the president. And the next moment POOF! He appears next to a bar. He walks in, orders a mug of beer and starts talking to the bartender: "I have been in a coma for quite a long time. I don't know what's going on in the world. How is our country doing?" "Can't be better!" says the bartender happily. "We are the mightiest nation in the world, we no longer have ANY external threats! All political issues have been resolved! Every country is either our loyal ally or is completely controlled by our government!" "Wait a second" – Trump can't believe his ears – "What about Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan?" -Everything is ours now! We have conquered them! -Then what about Ukraine? -It's also controlled by our government now! -I can't believe this! What about Mexico? China? Turkey? The bartender takes a globe from under the desk, spins it around and says proudly: "The whole world belongs to us. I mean it! Every single country!" Donald Trump is completely shocked. He says in amazement: "I am speechless. I didn't ever think it was possible by any means. Thank you very much. Anyways, I got to go now. How much for the beer?" "350₽, comrade!"
I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.
“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound” “With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or something?” “Well no, you see, I was just driving along, and I got cutoff by this BMW…” “Okay yeah, so you are definitely wasting my time here. There is absolutely nothing even remotely suspicious about this, at all. I drive a marked squad car, that’s with the lights and everything, they just don’t care. I get cutoff by asshole beamer drivers every single day. I can’t even be bothered to pull them over, I would never get anything else done.” “Yeah, I know, I wasn’t all that surprised either at first. I mean, I saw the BMW cruising up pretty fast in my side mirror so I was expecting it, and then the driver flipped on the turn signal, and…” “On my way!”
Japanese foods have such weird names.
They always claim to be yaki but are actually pretty yummy.
It’s windy out there
getting to the heart of the matter
Who is the coldest comedian?
The world may never know
straight from funny
The perfect gift!!!
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
American healthcare system in a nutshell
Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
Found my first one!
I own only two types of clothes— I wear my gym clothes when I exercise.
For formal occasions, I wear my James clothes.
A sub-species if you will…
Ever done this?
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
Unexperienced Back-end developer!
Wait, no, that’s not supposed to happen.
Sad for him
Change my mind…
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
I was at a Trump rally and it was packed!
Shots Fired By Google
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly’s girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Ok this one gave me a chuckle
History repeating itself Sunday..
I for one, like Roman numerals.
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I hope this goes platinum
My girlfriend poked me in the eyes…
…so I stopped seeing her for a little while.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding
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pin it on the dopamine
When you answer a question on StackOverflow for the first time.
Yeah imagine that
Above the law
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
“But muh freedum!”
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters…
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins…
I can hear this image