ENGINEERING DEGREE FANTASY VS REALITY YAKUZA EDITION
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
A man had been drinking all night…
A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. âShit I canât go home like this my wife will kill meâ The bartender sees this and says âput a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaningâ. So he goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, he replies âa drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaningâ. To which his wife says âOk…then why do you have $40 in your hand?â âBecause he also shit in my pants.â
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate(8) 9. But why did 7 eat 9? Because you have to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with âonce upon a timeâ?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with âIf elected, I promise…â
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
They say you are what you eat.
Well, today I bought some ready to eat chicken, and sure enough, when I got home I was ready to eat chicken.
What do you call a sleep walking nun?
A Roaminâ Catholic
Whatâs the toughest thing about being a vegan?
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
A guy with bad gas goes to the doctor
He says âdoc, you gotta help me. I canât stop farting. Itâs the weirdest thing, they donât smell, and thereâs no sound, but they wonât stop. Iâve farted 5 times while telling you this and see, you didnât even noticeâ The doc writes him a prescription and says âtake this and come back in a week. A week later the guy comes back and says âDoc, those pills didnât stop the farts. All they did was make them smell terrible. I can hardly stand itâ The doctor replied âGood. Now that your sinuses are cleared up letâs work on your hearingâ
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, âWhat are you two arguing about?â
One boy answers, âWe found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.â âYou two should be ashamed of yourselves,â said the teacher. âWhen I was your age, I didnât even know what a lie was.â The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
I tell dad jokes
Sometimes he laughs
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well Iâve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
What are a spyâs favorite shoes?
Sneakers
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
Reintarnation
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crĂȘpes.
I have a fear of speed bumps
Iâm slowly getting over it
Imagine if Americans decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be a mass confusion.
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
What do u call a tower of pizza boxes?
The leaning tower of pisa
I got the words âjacuzziâ and âyakuzaâ confused.
Now Iâm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A boy asks his dad one day, âDad, whatâs the difference between confident and confidential?â
His dad replies, âWell, youâre my son â Iâm confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son â thatâs confidential.â
I asked 100 girls what shampoo they prefer to use while taking a shower…
They all replied "How did you get in here??"
[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?
Man: Iâm .. Officer: Go on. Man: I think… Officer: Yes? Man: Can I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
What is Bruce Wayne’s favorite food?
Goth Ham
