ENGINEERING DEGREE FANTASY VS REALITY YAKUZA EDITION
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
Why did the soda factory worker quit his job?
It was too much fizzical labor.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
What do you call a homeless man with no porridge?
A no-porridge no-home man.
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
I once swallowed a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
Clausterphobic
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Why does Gordon Ramsey always use a condom during sex?
Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!
I never thought I’d qualify for the Nudist Olympics.
But I barely made it.
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”
“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” “Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “Yeah, well, it’s like this, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
My wife and i decided we don’t want to have children!
We will be telling them tonight.
Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?" "Is that you, Frank?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud — lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?" "No — I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
Did you guys see the preview for the movie about the worlds biggest 18-wheeler?
It was one really long trailer.
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.