Because tomorrow he turns 81!
It was too much fizzical labor.
Boss said it was because I had no filter
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
A no-porridge no-home man.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.
All the other paintball players started freaking out though.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
They're so picky!
Its about time
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
Confirm new password: Tomato Passwords don't match.
You get your palm red.
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Because otherwise, it’s FUCKING RAW!!!
But I barely made it.
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”
“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” “Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “Yeah, well, it’s like this, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
We will be telling them tonight.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, Frank was the first to die and, true to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?" "Is that you, Frank?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course" I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud — lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?" "No — I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona ."
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
It was one really long trailer.
The polar bear.
It gets jalapeño face.
We do it in schools because we have class.