English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
Spelling An L
Is down-right easy
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
My wife told me I needed to grow up, I was speechless.
It’s hard to talk when you have 45 gummy bears stuffed in your mouth
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!” "I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck. "And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." “Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus.” says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right.” replies the barman. "The circus??” the duck asks again "…with, the big tent?” "Yeah.” the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck. "Of course.” the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right.” says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?!?!”
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
The soviet union was doomed to fail
The red flags were everywhere.
Adultery is a sin..
You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..
“Burger and chips, please.” “Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I’m best friend’s with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don't know why
An old Soviet joke I found on Wikipedia slightly adapted by me.
A frightened man runs into the KGB offices. “My talking parrot has disappeared!” He yells at the receptionist. “That’s not the type of case we handle, go to the criminal police” she responds. “I know that,” he stammers “I just wanted to tell you officially that I disagree with everything the parrot says!”
What do you call an evil circle standing up?
A bad circumstance.
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…
…the other four letters?
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning