English, the best programming language
You’re a Wizard, dad!
Emma Watson?
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won’t move at all…
After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?" Full of anger, the blonde replies, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
Anyone else remember this iconic moment?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
An egg breakup is hard, but after that..
It’s over easy
Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation.
A kid asks his mom, “How was I born?”
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
Timmy was being raised by his single mother
When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands. It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoing hormone therapy, and finally having the surgery. Timmy was very supportive during the whole process. Even when he was teased by some kids at school. But eventually the process was complete and they decided to have a nice dinner to celebrate. But dinner was ruined. Timmy’s dad just kept making terrible pun after terrible pun. That’s when it hit Timmy like a ton of bricks. He asks “Did….did you go through all this and even get a sex change just so you could make Dad jokes?!” Timmy’s dad replies “Ahh shit, you see right through me. I guess I’m just….transparent”
A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license.
He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses." I said: “Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
What video game system does Homer Simpson play?
Ninten-doh!
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
