ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I’m unsubbing from /r/DadJokes and here’s why…
What’s the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
Grenade actually accomplish something when it triggers. EDIT : NOT FROM USA NOR WHITE
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
You’ll be buried with small pupils if you pass away before dusk.
But not if you die late.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Little Suzie walks in on her parents having sex.
She's told to wait downstairs. Her mother comes down first and tries to console her. Mommy, what were you doing to daddy? Well sweetheart, you know how your father's a little overweight? Every day I bounce up and down on top of him to let some of the air out. The little girl starts laughing. What's so funny hunny? You're wasting your time mommy. Every day when you go to work, the neighbor comes over and blows him right back up!
How do you tell between a boy ant and a girl ant?
Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's boyant
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don’t worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
A subpoena is a subpoena.
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
left for a stronger affinity
Big Rip Theory Meme
Ain’t that the truth
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
I used to sell home security systems.
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
At first I disliked parasites
But later on they grew on me
Even God uses semi-colons
Global warming bad
A Funny Hoke(not)
Designing as a Programmer
Wonderful news ..😰
ML now a days
or just turn a notebook upside down
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
This got a chuckle out of me.
It is mind blowing.
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
There’s no return from here, sweetheart
“We cannot allow mob rule.”
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t…
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far…
poet or dev?
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water, because the butane is lighter fluid.
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
My friend is trying to market his design for an invisible aeroplane.
I can’t see it taking off.
Every single time
Only in America…
How to pick up a girl that is a CS Major
Same thing, right? FTFY
One man show
Work harder not smarter
Found on QuizUp…
A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back… The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help. A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?” “No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Reaction rate : stonks OC
BIG BRAIN QUESTIONS
This is happening to me many times…. Who else has the same!
I could use a sandwich.
My roomate and i did this game where we cleaned up another ones room everyday.
We were maid for each other.
I started a new job. My boss said “Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky”. I said “My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick”
She said: how do you get dick from kyle? I replied: you just ask nicely. Edit: im now looking for a new job :/
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?