Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
I was sitting on the toilet, exhausted, and late for work.
I thought, “I don’t have time for this shit.”
An Irishman’s first drink with his son
I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink. We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away. I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it. I ordered him a Smithwick's. He hated it, so I drank it. I bought him a Murphy's, he spit it out, so I drank it. I tried him with that bland American beer Coors, he barely took a sip and pushed it away, so I drank it. I figured maybe he would like Irish Whiskey instead, so I got him a shot of Jameson 18 year. He choked on it, so yeah, I drank that too. I had him try Redbreast 12 year, the year's Irish Whiskey Awards top whiskey. He turned away, wouldn't even smell it. What else could I do – I drank it! When I finally realized he just doesn't like alcohol, I was so shit-faced I could barely push his stroller home!
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
I debated a flat earthier once
He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too farty
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
So I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage….
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.
Finding chemo.
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
Did you know that today is the only day that tells you what to do?
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
You know why they named it the “bell”
Because it has a nice ring to it
What do you add to make a car go faster?
No text found
All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Eddy!
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Eddy says anything sexual or offensive. Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know". The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain." Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building. The class remains quiet. The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that? Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish. At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out. Eddy looks around and says: Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!
People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren’t silent. They’re just waiting their turn.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
My first Dad joke after becoming a father
Me, to my son, immediately after being born: Congratulations! You're officially the youngest person in the world! Him: crying Me: Sorry kid, your 4 seconds of fame are over.
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says, “Don’t bother me!”
So I asked him how much it costs and whether or not it works.
A young lad is tending a bar in a Western saloon, when a red-faced man barges in.
"Quick, everyone!" the man shouts. "Big Frank is coming!" A panic ensues. Chairs are thrown as people try desperately to be the first to leave. One mother just drops her baby on the floor, picks up her skirts, and runs. Several people are badly injured, but eventually the young lad is the only one left. He decides to stay. If he beats this so-called Big Frank, he'll be a hero. After waiting for a solid hour, he finally hears a horse's hooves on the ground outside. Soon, the largest man he has ever seen is squeezing through the door. He has an enormous moustache and a smell that almost makes the young lad throw up. "Gimme a whiskey!" bellows the man. Trembling, the lad pours the man a drink. He knocks it back in one gulp. "Gimme another!" The lad ends up giving the man nine drinks, after which the man still looks totally sober. "Another!" he yells. "You– You have to pay for the drinks you've already had," stutters the lad. The man stares the lad right in the eye. "I'll make you a deal, kid. Let's arm wrestle. If you win, you get everything I own. If I win, I get as many free drinks as I want." "D– Deal," he replies, staring at the man's disgustingly huge muscles. After a long struggle, the lad somehow finds the strength and motivation in him to beat the huge man. They're both in shock, but the big man eventually says, "Alright, kid. All my land and possessions are yours." "Gee, thanks!" says the young lad. I'll be a legend when I tell everyone about this! he thinks. The man says, "Here's your money. I should get going anyway. Aren't you coming?" "No. Why would I?" "Jesus Christ kid, haven't you heard?! Big Frank is coming!!"
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
Son: “mom, dad… I’m gay”
Mom: staring at dad⠀ ⠀ Dad: clenches fist ⠀ Mom: “….don’t” ⠀ Dad: sweats profusely ⠀ Mom: “stop it” ⠀ Dad: HI GAY, I’M DAD
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
I’m annoyed because I had to work at the museum tonight moving suits of armour.
I hate knight shifts.
One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse
So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"
Another character unlocked
Another character unlocked
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
Cake day…. Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided. Both crews are believed to be marooned.
They say smoking causes cancer
But it cures salmon
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.