Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.
Me: Is it contagious? Doctor: Is what contagious?
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven
A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have – about anything across the entirety of Space and Time. So of course the man said – "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not". The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "…this goes even higher than I thought…"
A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!" THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
What does Batman like in his drink?
Just ice.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
50 Shades of Gray
#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0.
I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.
I confronted him and said, “Mark, my words!”
Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in! (My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
I just said, “No comment” all the way through the police interview…
I didn’t get the job.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
Why did the “A” run away
There was a B
I have an irrational fear of overly engineered buildings.
I have a complex complex complex.
Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
What’s the difference between an asteroid and a meatball?
One is meteor ☄️
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Well It’s 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready…..
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
Daddy, what is clickbait?
No text found
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
Whats the best pickup line?
A fishing pole
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
I went to buy 6 cans of Sprite
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts
Altar boy goes to confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
