Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
I want to hear 99 people sing âAfricaâ by Toto.
Itâs something that a hundred men or more could never do.
What do you call a small mother ?
A minimum
My dad was showing me how to use a bow
He took me to the edge of our rather large property, He shot one tree, then another, then another, with very impressive aim. "Alright son, you're up!" I aimed at a tree that hadn't been shot yet "No son! Not that one!" "Why not?" "Because that's not archery!" So I shot one of the others "Was that alright?" "That's fine, that's archery."
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the momâs pubic hair and says âMommy, whatâs that?â The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies âUh, itâs my washclothâ. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. âMommy! Where did your washcloth go?â the girl says in shock. âI lost it, honeyâ replies the mom. âOk!â The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, âMommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!â âYou did?! Where was it??â âThe maid has it!â the daughter shouted âAnd sheâs washing daddyâs face with it!â
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
I went to a restaurant and they served me hydrogen atoms cooked at millions of degrees.
They said that it was a fusion cuisine.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car…
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.â The driver says, âGee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.â Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: âNow donât be silly, dear, you know that this car doesnât have cruise control.â As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, âCanât you please keep your mouth shut for once?â The wife smiles demurely and says, âYou should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.â As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, âDarn it, woman, canât you keep your mouth shut?â The officer frowns and says, âAnd I notice that youâre not wearing your seat belt, sir. Thatâs an automatic $75 fine.â The driver says, âYeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.â The wife says, âNow, dear, you know very well that you didnât have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when youâre driving.â And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, âWHY DONâT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??â The officer looks over at the woman and asks, âDoes your husband always talk to you this way, Maâam?â âOnly when heâs been drinking.â
I got gas today for $1.39
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
What’s the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
Son comes home from school…
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldnât think less of a person because of that personâs name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: Thatâs what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didnât stick.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst käse scenario.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
âYes, we arson.â
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
âApparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
Three samurais compete with each other
Three samurais are sitting around a camp fire when suddenly, one boasts. "I am the world's best swordsman!" – he stands up, whips out his sword and cut a fly in half. The second samurai says,"No, I'm the best." and he sees a fly -his sword flashes twice- then the fly falls into 4 pieces. The third samurai, wanting to prove them both wrong says "Hold my sake.". He stands, slashes at a fly… and the fly continued flying. The first two samurais erupted into laughter – but the third explains "That poor fly, he can never have sex again!"
My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.
Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, Iâll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
Whatâs the male version of a Karen called?
I donât know but a group of them is called a Senate.
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor. The doctor tells him, âDue to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimerâ The man, clearly frustrated, asks, âWell what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?â The doctor calmly suggests, âI recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, donât let her in.â
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
