EPIC!!! 🤣🤣🤣💀💀
What do Microsoft Excel users put in their hair?
SUMPRODUCT()
I discovered this new drug that makes you indifferent to the world…
It's called Crystal Meh.
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex…
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Having children really brought my wife and I closer together.
Now we have a common enemy.
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick." As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!" and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick." The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
God said to John, “come fourth and you will receive eternal life”,
John came fifth and won a toaster.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
My wife said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west
If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
I tell dad jokes but I’m not actually a father…
I’m a faux pas.
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman….
“Can I have a drink for me and one for the road”
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
I have a hard time falling asleep.
It's much easier to fall when I'm awake.