Epic
When I die I want my coffin to be made of onions.
My family don't love me very much.
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
A few days after Christmas,
a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
As a Mathmatician…
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
I’ve created an app similar to Tinder but it’s for paleontologists.
I call it Carbon Dating.
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
Knock knock who’s there Doris Doris who
Doris locked that’s why I’m knocking
classic
classic
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.
Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert.
The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost. Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together – one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul – they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in. It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car…
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.” The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.” As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?” The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.” As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?” The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.” The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.” The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.” And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??” The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?” “Only when he’s been drinking.”
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
A pun is not completely matured…
…until it is full groan.
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
What do you call a dad joke that’s matured?
All groan up.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Everyone was excited at the autopsy club…
It was open Mike night.
Why do lamps make people happy?
They bring delight. My 7-year-old son told me this at the breakfast table this morning. He is going to be a great dad one day.
I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
My coworker went to HR and filed a complaint against me after I praised her butt.
Say what you want, harassment something to me.
NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
Not really humour apart from how fucking absurd it is. How do people justify this?
https://ift.tt/37Fudf5
Don’t get mad at lazy people..
They didn't do anything.
My wife was just swapping out objects on the mantle, and my son asked why she was putting bamboo up there.
I told him she was decorating for Halloween, and they both just gave me a flat look. Then with a grin on my face I simply said bamBOO!! Much to my wife’s dismay my 6 year old has been repeating it for the last 20 minutes.
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
You know how the Canary islands is a misnomer, since there’s no canaries? It’s the same with the Virgin Islands
There's no canaries there either
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then I was born.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?” “She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”