Epic sarcasm
When science helps you with your impatience but also makes you never work on it.
https://ift.tt/2VPdBOW
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana,
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
Smoking will kill you …
Bacon will kill you… But, smoking bacon will cure it.
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
Success is like pregnancy
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a K and not a C
You can’t C in the dark
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
Your essays should be like a girls skirt.
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and up on my desk by Friday midnight.
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Two women were playing golf
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
![A wrong turn on the water cycle [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/uwdt5iu2pc441-400x530.jpg)
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.
Edit : Mother of three.. Edit2 : Mother of two… Edit3 : Mother of one….. Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
It’s ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom…
… unless they're flashing behind you.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat
Why couldn’t the Mexican archer use his bow?
He didn’t habanero.
Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks…
Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.
I always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes.
I wonder how many people are in that field.
3 guys have a sleep over
3 guys have a sleep over after watching a scary movie, they all decide to stay in the same bed. The next morning the guy on the left says " last night i had the best dream a beautiful blonde girl was wanking me off " The guy on the right says " That's strange I had a similar dream except the girl was a brunette " The guy in the mindle saying " Fuck sake I had a dream I was skiing "
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
First time I went to an art museum, I was shocked that I couldn’t swipe the paintings…
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A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
I like to cook dangerously
I take whisks in the kitchen
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
