epic trolling the libs, Facebook style
Because of the tele-ban
To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000." Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high price for a bird. "Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you." The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well. "This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you." Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot. "Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000." The man is practically knocked over by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money. "I don't know but the other two call it boss."
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
You'll have to Walkman.
Because half way through, they get to switch sides.
Well, I could use a light snack.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
That's a wrap
Because the trees can speak for themselves
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
I’m clean now.
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued. “Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?” The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
They were truly a ground breaking invention.
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
The cashier said : “hardback?” I said: “yeah and little heads”
Use duck tape, of course!
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
Now I have stable wifi