epic trolling the libs, Facebook style
I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.
My mother and father found each other in a gay bar of all places….
24 years in to their marriage unfortunately
The man who created autocorrect has died.
Restaurant in peace.
I caught my wife cheating with my best friend.
She was upset that I was always beating her, and he was jealous of how much money and property I had. I was so angry when I caught them that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
Genie: You have three wishes. Me: Nice! I wish for pie.
Genie: Fine. You can have 3.14 wishes.
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
I couldn’t remember if the sun rose in the east or the west
and then it dawned on me
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
Taking things literally
is stealing.
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
I pooped in the elevator
I took that shit to another level!
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
[remooved]
Oldest man on Earth
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world. After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village. The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard. Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?" Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! " Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists… Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life? Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! " Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? " Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine. Gramps: "…….. One day I got lost in the forest….. "
I never forget my sons first words…
"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"
What genre are national anthems?
Country
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
I have made myself too many places to store books.
I have no shelf control.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.
Randolf the brown nosed reindeer, he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
A man walks into a saloon
…he takes off his hat and throws it in an arc. Six men lose their hats. Everyone is impressed, they yell out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Hat-Bill." Another man walks in, grabs his gun and fires off six rounds. Six men lose their hats. The crowd yells out: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me Gun-Bill." A third man walks in. He has six arms. In a flash, he grabs the hats off the heads of six men. Everyone is speechless. Finally, one guy yells: "Wow! What's your name?" "They call me… …Chernobyl."
How is Pope’s poop different from rest of us?
It's Holy Shit.
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He is fine. He woke up