Esther-mated
Two birds are sitting on a perch…
One asks, do you smell fish?
I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart
“Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it”
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I took my new gun out to the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Why don’t hillbillies like reverse cowgirl?
You never turn your back on your family.
Student loans you got me through college
I don’t think I can ever repay you
Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that’s ever served me.
With just the tip.
Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.
One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. “Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.” “I can certainly try, for my best friend.” Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. “AHHHH! Who are you?” “Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.” “Good hell, you scared me half to death.” “It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.” “Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam. “There is baseball in heaven.” “Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
I don’t trust the sea
it looks fishy
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side. Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you! Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
What’s the worst part of working for the department of unemployment?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?
Me: Leave that to me later at dinner Her dad: coughs I need water Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
People always tell me I’m condescending
(That means talking down to people)
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
Gucci should open up a children’s store
And call it “Gucci Gucci Goo”
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a while to get hard; I got laid earlier today
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door , comes back in and says both.
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw them in the Main stream.
What do you call a beehive with no exit?
Unbeelievable
Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle
We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields. Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion. Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up like that. They told me, "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They'd done it before so I knew they meant it. Days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored. Climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me riding Dirty
No Nut November was pretty tough
Now I can finally eat nuts again, thank God I had masturbation to keep my mind off of the sweet little bastards.
I had some delicious honey on my toast this morning.
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world." Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
