Even an electron is more powerful than me
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
If we make it past 2020, I’ll be dreading 2022.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
I got bored in class today learning about cells, so i made this. Its not very good ik
https://ift.tt/2OrCOdg
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
I’m so afraid of negative numbers…
I stop at nothing to avoid them!
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
https://ift.tt/2UpdAjr
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it…
Him: Knock Knock Me: Who’s there? Him: Howard Me: Howard who? Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change? This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
Don’t tell anyone this…
This is Top Secret . . . . . . . . This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)
Never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
What did the llama say when he was getting evicted?
“I guess alpaca my bags.”
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?
This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
No text found
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed.
It may sound far-fetched but it’s true. I watched it all unfold.
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
My colleagues at work have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”
It’s not my first choice, but I’m ok with it.
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
