Even monkey is ashamed !
Man is at a job interview
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, I’ll come back later then.
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words…
Stop shaking the ladder you little shit
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
My dad suffers from short term memory loss…
I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…
They assured him he would be covered…
Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
I don’t have a “Dad Bod”
I have a father figure
A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
A bunch of dudes in cosplay who want to keep the status quo of constant mass shootings
https://ift.tt/2TJFWVZ
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "I think the stubble suits you!"
There are are only 10 types of people:
Those who understand binary, and those who don`t
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Security professionals advise to never use ‘beef stew’ as a password
It isn’t stroganoff
I had 4 cans of alphabet soup this morning…
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
Kids should not run with scissors
And lesbians should not scissor with the runs
I have a fear of giants
Feefiphobia.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Welcome to invisibility class
Disappointing to see so many of you here
When I heard that a cure for dyslexia had been discovered
It was like music to my arse
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, I’m okay.