Even my meds are insulting me
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
When I turned into a teenager, my dad repeatedly emphasized the importance of using a condom whenever I have sex.
He said, “Anyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.”
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
I ate a clock today.
It was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
What does a moth eat when it wants Asian food?
https://ift.tt/2yzrXqx
“Dad Are We Pyromaniacs?”
"Yes we arson…"
I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.
It is actually the San Andreas's fault.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day? Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man: And the black one? Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them? Farmer: Which one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: She eats grass. Man: And the black one? Farmer: She eats grass, too. Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same? Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine. Man: Oh, and the black one? Farmer: It’s mine, too.
In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did
So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
I bought a handgun from a T-Rex..
…because he is a small arms dealer!
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
I’ve just started knitting for the Mafia
They call me Scarf Ace
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?
He can’t keep the lilies alive.
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll a joint.
He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
“Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was ‘really silly’?”
"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."