Even Ron thinks it’s stupid.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
While he was out, my husband text me ‘I think I’ll run through the car wash on my way home.’
I replied: 'Probably better to drive the car through.'
What do you call a rude grape?
…….Ungrapeful
Just been fired as an interrogator
I suppose I should have asked why
(NSFW) What is the difference between love, true love, and just showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge
I walked by a store with a sign that said “Television $1- volume stuck on full”
I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
Confucius knew the answers to all of life’s questions.
The same cannot be said of his twin brother, Confusion.
3 gay sailors
Sailor: Captain! Captain! Captain: Yes Sailor? Sailor: I think we have 3 gay sailors on board! Captain: How would you even know that? Sailor: Well I sucked Jimmy's dick and it tasted like shit.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
Scientists have recently discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.
They say it's a blast from the past.
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
I just watched a documentary on marijuana,
I suggest you watch all documentaries this way.
A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.
This guy has serious issues with pulling out.
My brother’s first dad joke
This just happened 2 minutes ago. I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say: “Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year” Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now