Even Santa keeps children in check
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate
And I'll name the other "DupliKate"
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.
My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
What do you call a hundred centipedes?
A dollarpede
My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic
It’s syncing now
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones ,while the people of Abu Dhabi do.
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
My friend couldn’t afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
https://ift.tt/2TgTgk9
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
What vegetable has a hard time breathing? Artichokes!
No text found
Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.
No text found
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
What do you call an egg on the beach?
Sandy Eggo
How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?
You call them antisemantic!
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." My husband said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."
The other day I was washing the car with my son
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
I wish I had the sexual power of snow.
People cancel everything and rearrange their entire lives just for three inches coming fast.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
How did the farmer find his daughter?
He tractor
A detective arrives at the scene of a crime and immediately knows what the murder weapon is
It was a brief case Edit: my first silver! Thank you, kind stranger.
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use lubricant