Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:
The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?
How is this even a joke
*Confused Math Woman*
Poor guy getting photoshopped
My daughter gave me a handful of rocks for my birthday…
They have deep sedimental value to me.
‘Tis the season
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
It’s pointless to get into an argument about the Adam and Eve creation story versus evolution.
It is comparing apples to origins.
A joke from my daughter: Where does a tongue go to drop off its old clothes?
The Salivation Army
One way streets
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said "No food or drinks inside" So I went home.
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
This is some black mirror shit
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary…
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
If you don’t know AARp than you don’t know aro
I was pissed off at my buddy Mark who borrowed my dictionary and refuses to return it.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
Piercings are useful after all
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I ain't never been caught in a traffic jelly. Slaps knee
Please. Donate Today!
Why do dachshunds love to race?
Because in the end, they’re all wieners.
My son said he wanted a DVD on Religion, so I got him one.
Then he said he wanted a tricycle, so I got him one. Then, a few weeks later, he said he wanted a poster of Will Smith's face, so I got him one. The next day he said he wanted a coffee machine. I was getting irate now. But hey, I thought, if I get him this hopefully that will be the end. I was wrong. So very wrong. On the same day he said he wanted a caterpillar costume. Reluctantly, I got him one. Secondhand. Then he said he wanted something for a friend, a new pair of underwear. I had no idea why he would be giving his friend underwear, and I knew he only wanted them for himself. But hey, I thought, I don't want him to defecate on his clothes, so I got him some. After that, he approached me, and I was on the verge of an outburst. What do you want this time? I asked him. A sword? A sandwich? A three-headed dog? He said, no, he didn't want any of those things. Except the three-headed dog and the sword and the sandwich. Look, I said, get on with it. What are you after this time? He said he wanted a book on festival puns. I was sick out of it. Sick of his audacity and my empty wallet. I headed for the door to get away, but he grabbed my arm and asked me what was wrong. I said, Son, you carnival the things you want.
That’s just wrong
Easy betrayal 😭
This did get me
Put that hand away son!
I met this sexy girl in a club tonight and told her she reminded me of my little toe. Giggling, she asked, “Why?! Is it because I’m small and cute!?”
"No…" I said. "It's because later, I'm gonna bang you hard on my coffee table."
No worries there…
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting
I said well yea, but people that sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
HOLD ME BACK ERIC!
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
I just formed a grunge band and named it “1023 Megabytes”
… haven't gotten a gig yet though.
My wife of 10 years left me because I didn’t do enough chores
It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it
How to create a black hole!
This one honestly isn’t too bad
What do you call a muscular Arab?
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
Taken straight from a boomer friend’s Facebook post.
One man show
“I dropped my toothpaste!”
…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.
Pinterest really is a goldmine
It do be like that
Marriage is a sore topic in these strips
I’m over this timeline
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
The perfect job doesn’t exis…
If having a big dick was a crime
I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.
I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision
I can’t wait to see them all
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is stable now.
Minister of Propaganda
Can codepage 1252 die already?
What’s another name for Vampires?
I’m sorry, you have not experienced oppression or tyranny
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.