Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?
I went to ask my daughter:
Where do you park when you visit the moon?
(Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!)
But straight faced she replies:
Anywhere you can find space.
Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space….
Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
You know what happens if you donβt pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
Breaking news: Ireland worse air disaster occurred last night..
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary. Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night. Yes, my kid just told me that and then started giggling non-stop.
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
Occasionally I drew Carey
but I drew Barry more
My obese parrot died today
I am sad but itβs a great weight off my shoulders
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
How do you know a redditor has left a hotel?
Username checks out
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
I steal candy bars using sleight of hand…
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday
I canβt wait to see his face light up when he opens it
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
I made a graph showing my past relationships
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook,
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.ο»Ώ
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I havenβt heard from him since
If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say you are… Independant
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
What turns “No, no, no” into “Mmmmmmm”?
Duct tape.
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
itβs recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
A drunk guest returns to his hotel and says to the clerk “Hi. I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.”
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
βSir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.β
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the βDwayne Johnson Rule.β
Iβd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, βWould I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?β If not, donβt say it. I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, βYour chest is epic.β
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.