Ever hear the one about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well Well Well
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you canโt C in the dark.
In the past, the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now, the poor have cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
I said, โWait, I can change!โ
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I remember 2018…
Like it was yesterday.
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
Theyโre always assembling
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
I donโt have a dad body
I have a father figure
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juiceโnow sheโs sangria than ever.
Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.
Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
i instantly forget all the things i studied that night
i instantly forget all the things i studied that night
I got kicked out of karaoke after singing โDanger Zoneโ nine times in a row.
Too many Loggins attempts.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said “Oh look. They have tongue depressers.” He says “Those won’t work on me.” I asked why and he says…
"I'm on antidepressants." He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
13% 18-29 voter turnout in California. Vote for your future. BTW not American. (OC)
https://ift.tt/3coY4eO
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
So I killed 5 zombies and a vampire…
… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy ๐ค
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
[Warning: 18+]
19.
The NYPD Bragged About a Big Pot Bust. Turns Out It Seized 106 Pounds of Legal Hemp.
https://ift.tt/2NQdAEZ
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us arenโt going to work out
Did you hear about the soldier that lost his legs?
They say he was defeated in battle
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.
Heโs now Dr.Awkward.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokeyโฆ
But then I turned myself around.
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La
Don’t you HATE it when people Capitalize words sTrAnGeLy?
I guess shift happens.
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
Me: As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.