..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" "Don't worry," said the doc. "Those are just contractions."
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
If only they could see me now.
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
It was motherfucking gold.
I will find you, I have contacts!
Co-Mando. (Credit to my girlfriend)
Don’t look while I’m changing!
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Rest on peace.
A private tutor
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
A pigment of your imagination
And I'll fucking do it again.
I said, “You’ll come around eventually.”
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
They didn’t do anything
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.
Because he only comes once a year
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
because they have no windows
I was left hanging.
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
One of them goes to an Egyptian family and is named Amal while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends his picture to his birth mother, who upon receiving it tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. His husbands responds,"They are twins, if you have seen Juan, you've seen Amal."