Every baby born today will be only 10 in 2060
What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?
Very little.
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
A german was peeing in a street in New York…
… and a lady looks at him and says: 'Gross.' To which the German replies: 'Danke!'
Only anti-vaxxers will get this one…
Small-Pox
Did you hear about the short psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
This evening I went for a walk with a beautiful woman.
Then she noticed me, so we went for a run instead.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
I’m going to miss Stan Lee
He was a marvel
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
Have I discovered the only boomer comic that doesn’t shame millennials/zoomers?
https://ift.tt/2u1Pst7
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
When does a dad joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer the other day…
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.