WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;”papers”
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
Dad: “Would you like anything to eat for dinner?” Son: “What are my choices?”
Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
I dated a communist once. I had no idea. She seemed sweet. But it did NOT end well
Honestly I should have noticed all the red flags
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Horse with a horn or a 40-foot neck leopard thing? You decide
Horse with a horn or a 40-foot neck leopard thing? You decide
The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time-travelers here”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Why do Americans have good computers?
Because they have no troubleshooting.
If there’s one thing that makes me throw up.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling. (original: r/jokes)