Every dev ever
Aren’t you a little slow boy?
A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah’s Witness are lost..
They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night. "I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner. The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me." "No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings." "I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
This “meme” my mother sent me
It’s always the laughing emoji
That’s wrong boy;
It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.
He asked the Pirate Captain. “Why do you have a wooden leg?” The Pirate Captain replied. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”. The boy then asked. “Why do you have a hook for a hand?” The Pirate Captain said. “Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me hand off so I have this hook to replace what’s gone”. The boy finally asked. “Why do you have a glass eye?” The Pirate Captain lowered his head slightly and replied. “A grain of sand blew up off the deck and got in me eye”. The boy stood there confused. The Pirate Captain, raising his head back up, said to the boy. “Argh. It was me first day with the hook”.
Today I actually saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall
I thought to myself, “now that’s a little condescending”
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
This is the worst realization after a test :(
The sky is blue…
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
Found on IG
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
It Would Be a Shame…
Meanwhile in a parallel world…
White people be like: Well I’ve never!
Meanwhile in Lebanon
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
I literally have no clue what to even say about this
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
My friends caught me listening to an audiobook of the digits of pi…
and I never heard the end of it…
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday.
it's the thot that counts.
[NSFW] Even Pinocchio knows Epstein didn’t do it
Le noble gas has arrived
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
players: we found a bug with the cars programmers: it’s a feature!
Which one of you mfs been poking me?
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
At least I can play video games all day?
Everytime you wanna apply to the job
Because dad’s don’t do anything…
It’s honest work
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
The least tone-deaf president you have ever seen!
The mark scheme is king
Sad but true
Valentine’s card I made for my girlfriend 💘
A man asks his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half then leave you.”
"Sweet!", he replied. "I won $20. Here's $10. Now bugger off."
bing bing bong
Relationships are a lot like algebra….
You look at your X and wonder Y.
When the Juggalos are more “presidential” than a candidate.
Modern Music Bad
Thesaurus.com aint gonna know what hit em
Credit to u/stove_face
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door
my homie’s facebook feed is blessed
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
The gift that keeps on giving…
*sad bryophyte noises*
If you know, you know
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
The total miss
Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?
Because you can’t see in the dark. Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
My girlfriend told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.”
I said, “Floors are beneath me.”
Apparently India knew you can’t quarantine stupid. Go figure
I’m new here.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin…
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
“I know more than the generals do, believe me.”
Twitter bad, book good
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
They flip like a pancake to suit their own narative
To be Kendall Jenner in the Pepsi Commerical
Looks like Hitmen use recursion
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
But light attracts bugs
Killing good. Cooking bad.
Specs be like