Every history exam
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to meβ¦
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ’an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back⦠Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
Elevators terrify me
I'm taking steps to avoid them
My friend Lee told me he just found out his wife was pregnant
I told him, "It seems you are a father now, a parent Lee."
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
Sheβs probably just pulling your leg.
A guy starts at a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now weβre going nuts in quarantine.
We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.
If you boil a funny bone…
It becomes a laughing stock. You better upvote this because… Itβs Humerus.
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My dad died last year when my family couldnβt remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting βbe positiveβbut itβs hard without him.
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
Iβm a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
Iβm not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back
I said "where are you going?" He replied "Fancy dress party" "What as?" I asked "Tortoise" the man shouted back "Who's she?" I questioned To which he responded "That's Michelle"
Iβm pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink