Today I took all my daughterโs dolls and lined them up by the window facing our grill
I was just preparing a Barbie Queue
Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,…
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife…
We didnโt see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
Me- โYou gave me one too manyโ Shopkeeper- โthat one is a freebieโ
Whatโs the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
Why donโt people get up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece. ๐
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your postย to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
My girlfriend makes me want to become a better person.
Mostly so I can get a better girlfriend.
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well Iโve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
Otherwise
No text found
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
My 3 watts blue laser pointer finally arrived and I played with it over the weekend.
I can no longer see why people say these devices were so dangerous.
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: Iโm learning by diffusion
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
Who keeps the children
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.ย The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.ย The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.ย After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a soda comes out, who does the soda belong to… me or the machine?"
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
They were watch dogs.
What do you call a disagreeable horse?
A neigh sayer.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
I love the way the Earth rotates…
It really makes my day.