Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
I'm just doing it for the Monet
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
To a certain degree.
Solo that no one will hear me
I think her name was um.. Reese.. Reese…. “Reese Witherspoon?” No, with a knife.
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
An Italian altar boy goes to confession. He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
the carpenter who was nailed to some wood
I am now independent.
Thanks for the Baghdad
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and smoked them and then we got so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born."
so you don't see their butt-quack!
Thanks for nothing
A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex